im having your birthday blues

i hope you’re not, because if you are then i couldn’t fathom the weight you’ve endured

but then, i’d understand

another you wouldn’t have been wise

i don’t know why another me translated as meant to be for me

sometimes the feeling would weigh a planet—

i refuse to believe that my longing alone is strong enough to resurrect such an emotion 

i’m paralyzed; day dreaming of the waltz we never performed

i’m in a stand up show; telling jokes i couldn’t laugh at

i’m hallucinating; preaching fates as if i’ve ever seen the stars align 

i wish you’ve thrown rocks at me,

so i’ll have an excuse to pack and return your love

i wish our love wasn’t so above everything else 

i wish it was tangible enough for me to throw away

i’m floating in space— collecting spells you’ve casted

i have only your laughter to box with a ribbon and return 

i puncture my brain in half to reconstruct fragments of you

i build a wall around the corner of my mind that houses you

turn off my headlights in the comedown 

drive in the dark with my eyes glued open

roll down my window— 200 miles per hour

should be freeing till it feels sour

cut the cord to my heart, re-wire it to the absence of you

i’m 74 with alzheimer  

you’re still the only thing i can recall

you’re fossilized in my pages

can you not see how you’re worship worthy?

i’ll take your pain and house them for you

i’ll give up my faith to cater to your demons

i hope leaving me was what you needed after all